Can't Hide the Scars
by BadassBeckett
Summary: (I'm warning you now, this has references to cutting/self harm. You've been warned. Rated T because of that!) {Smillan rpf too!} Karen is extremely unhappy living in America, she doesn't want to tell anyone back in England though, she's worried about what they might think. More chapters to come! Read Review please! :)
1. Chapter One

Hi to anyone who has opened this...right, if you read my other story 'Unexpected' then i'm sorry for the huge wait! I'm writing two chapters but i've had really **really** bad writers block, so I just took this from my tumblr for you guys, it's a work in progress! hope you like it! review please! xo

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**Chapter One:**

She knows she misses everyone, she's too scared to admit that she absolutely hates it in America. She feels like she's going to ruin it for everyone, make them all worried and miserable, she can't do that to them.

She receives a text from Alex;  
**Hey Karen, i'm in America. Catch up for a cuppa? A x  
**She texts back;  
**Hey Alex, i'm feeling a little sick, but a catch up would be great! My apartment? K** **x**  
A few minutes later her phone buzzes;  
**Sounds great, be there in 10. A x**

She makes her way into the kitchen, removing all of the empty boxes of pills. Next is the bathroom, removing the razor as Alex would, no doubt need to use the bathroom and she's extremely observant. The only thing she couldn't hide. The scars. _What if Alex somehow finds out? What I've been doing? She would tell Matt no doubt and then he would be extremely worried and frustrated that he's filming, what have I done? I'm so selfish. _To break her out of her reverie, there came a knock on the door.

She opened up the door, trying her best to conjure her emotions to neutral.  
"Karen! How I have missed you!" Alex beamed. She tried to smile, but failed. Of course Alex noticed, and she knew there was something up, normally she would be extremely happy to see her, but all she could manage was a dreary smile.  
"Karen, what's the matter?"  
"Oh, nothing. Come in will just make us a cuppa." with that she walked into the kitchen, Alex not far behind. She just about flipped the switch on the kettle before bursting out in tears. Alex, came running over to her, just as she collapsed into her arms.

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Okay, I hope you liked that..I don't really know, it was requested on Tumblr so that's what I wrote! More chapters to come! Review/Favorite/Follow if you like it! They make me happy and keep me writing! :) xo


	2. Chapter Two

Yeah this chapter was already written so I thought I might as well upload it! :) So next installment in this story, hope you all like it! xo

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'Shhh, shhh i'm here Karen,' Alex cooed, willing Karen to stop crying. Eventually her sobs subsided, _time to come clean_ she thought.  
'Alex, I have been down for weeks now, I didn't want to say anything because he seems happy-'  
'Who? Karen, is this about Mr Smith?'  
'Is it that obvious?' she asks, a weak smile tugging at her lips.  
'No, but I just knew it had to be something along those lines, Karen i'm worried.'  
'Don't be i'm fine.' Karen says, trying her hardest to sound reassuring.  
Alex excuses herself to the bathroom.

_I hope every empty box is gone…_  
'Karen, come here.' Alex says, her voice echoing from the bathroom.  
Karen walks into her bathroom, dread displayed on her features.  
'Please tell me you haven't…?' Alex says, worrying for her friend.  
_I have..I'm so so sorry please don't tell anyone.. _she wants to say but all that leaves her mouth is;  
'I'm sorry…'  
'Why?..because of him? what's he don-'  
'Nothing. He's done nothing-I've done nothing.'  
'Come and sit down.' Alex says, getting hold of her wrist and Karen flinches._Shit shit shit I should **not** have done that. _she thinks.  
Realization dawns on Alex's face. Under those long sleeves are weeks and weeks of crying, of longing for him, they speak of pain and loss. _I love him and I've lost him._ Alex rolls the sleeves up, inspecting Karen's scars, sighing deeply she says;  
'Why didn't you tell me? I thought you trusted me-'  
'I do.'  
'Then why?'  
'Because I love him, I love him and I've lost him-'  
'How do you know?'  
'I just do, why would he love me? He has Jenna-'  
'Jenna doesn't compare to you in his eyes.'  
'You're lying to make me feel better.'  
'I'm not.'  
'Are.'  
'Do you want proof?' Alex says, reaching for her phone.  
'Nononononono you can't tell him!' Karen yells, taking Alex's phone.  
'Arthur then.'  
'No, none.' Karen says, sitting on the couch, squeezing her phone.  
'Okay go and make a fresh pot of tea then.' Alex says, smiling at her.  
Karen places Alex's phone on the table and does exactly what Alex told her to, zombie-like.  
Unbeknownst to Karen, Alex texts Arthur;  
**Don't panic, Karen's having a hard time here in LA and I think what she needs now is her two closest friends, you and Matt. A x  
**The reply is almost instant;  
**Alex what's happened? I can't not panic! I'm getting hold of Matt and we are travelling out there instantly, I don't care at what cost, we are coming to LA for our Moonhead. A x  
**Alex smiles at that response, _they really do care for her, bless them_ Alex thinks. Karen walks in with two piping hot cups of tea, placing them down on the coasters Matt bought her as a 'apartment warming present' that he thought 'every new apartment needed' and 'shut up Gillan, they are not ancient they're antique!' Karen smiled at the memories, half expecting him to be sat next to her on the couch, her smile fading at the reality of him still being in the UK.

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Hope you liked this chapter! Remember reviews make me happy! :)  
New chapter soon! xo


	3. Chapter Three

So another chapter! Enjoy xo

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Shhh, shhh i'm here Karen,' Alex cooed, willing Karen to stop crying. Eventually her sobs subsided, _time to come clean_ she thought.  
'Alex, I have been down for weeks now, I didn't want to say anything because he seems happy-'  
'Who? Karen, is this about Mr Smith?'  
'Is it that obvious?' she asks, a weak smile tugging at her lips.  
'No, but I just knew it had to be something along those lines, Karen i'm worried.'  
'Don't be i'm fine.' Karen says, trying her hardest to sound reassuring.  
Alex excuses herself to the bathroom.

_I hope every empty box is gone…_  
'Karen, come here.' Alex says, her voice echoing from the bathroom.  
Karen walks into her bathroom, dread displayed on her features.  
'Please tell me you haven't…?' Alex says, worrying for her friend.  
_I have..I'm so so sorry please don't tell anyone.. _she wants to say but all that leaves her mouth is;  
'I'm sorry…'  
'Why?..because of him? what's he don-'  
'Nothing. He's done nothing-I've done nothing.'  
'Come and sit down.' Alex says, getting hold of her wrist and Karen flinches. _Shit shit shit I should __**not**__ have done that. _she thinks.  
Realization dawns on Alex's face. Under those long sleeves are weeks and weeks of crying, of longing for him, they speak of pain and loss. _I love him and I've lost him._ Alex rolls the sleeves up, inspecting Karen's scars, sighing deeply she says;  
'Why didn't you tell me? I thought you trusted me-'  
'I do.'  
'Then why?'  
'Because I love him, I love him and I've lost him-'  
'How do you know?'  
'I just do, why would he love me? He has Jenna-'  
'Jenna doesn't compare to you in his eyes.'  
'You're lying to make me feel better.'  
'I'm not.'  
'Are.'  
'Do you want proof?' Alex says, reaching for her phone.  
'Nononononono you can't tell him!' Karen yells, taking Alex's phone.  
'Arthur then.'  
'No, none.' Karen says, sitting on the couch, squeezing her phone.  
'Okay go and make a fresh pot of tea then.' Alex says, smiling at her.  
Karen places Alex's phone on the table and does exactly what Alex told her to, zombie-like.  
Unbeknownst to Karen, Alex texts Arthur;  
**Don't panic, Karen's having a hard time here in LA and I think what she needs now is her two closest friends, you and Matt. A x  
**The reply is almost instant;  
**Alex what's happened? I can't not panic! I'm getting hold of Matt and we are travelling out there instantly, I don't care at what cost, we are coming to LA for our Moonhead. A x  
**Alex smiles at that response, _they really do care for her, bless them_ Alex thinks. Karen walks in with two piping hot cups of tea, placing them down on the coasters Matt bought her as a 'apartment warming present' that he thought 'every new apartment needed' and 'shut up Gillan, they are not ancient they're antique!' Karen smiled at the memories, half expecting him to be sat next to her on the couch, her smile fading at the reality of him still being in the UK.  
—–


	4. Chapter Four

A/N: right if there are any mistakes in this I apologize, i'm writing this at gone midnight okay, cut me some slack.

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_The next day…_

Karen's phone buzzes with an incoming text;  
**Morning Gillan, rise and shine! M x x  
**she frowns at the text, anger swelling up inside of her at the timing of his text.  
**Mr Smith, it must be very early for you right now why are you texting me now? K x x  
**Instant reply;  
**Yeah I guess it is early back home. M x x  
**She was confused at that reply.  
**What do you mean 'back home'? Matt what are you up to? K x x  
**his reply;  
**You always expect the worst of me Kaz, now can you open your door, it's bloody freezing out here. M x x  
**She ran to the door, and sure enough there he was, standing there. His previously ragged scruffy _perfect_ hair was non-existent.  
He grinned at her, _the same old Matt she knew and loved._  
It was all too much, seeing him after months of no contact, she just broke down in tears. His face fell, seeing his Kaz like that broke his heart. He cradled her in his arms, his heart heavy. He knew where her room was and he walked slowly towards her bed before lowering her down onto the soft mattress of the bed and wrapping her in the duvet.  
'Thank you Matt.'  
'No problem Kaz, that's what I'm here for, being a good friend and all.'  
'Do good friends sleep in their miserable friend's bed with them?'  
"Hmm." he says, "Well they can if their miserable friend wants them to."  
"Their miserable friend wants them to."  
"Alright." he says, crawling under the covers next to her. She rolls over and rests her cheek on his chest, he wraps his arms around her and she can feel herself falling asleep almost instantly, which she hates because she'd really like to be awake to tell him how she's been feeling. But she's exhausted and needs sleep and the steady rise and fall of his chest is extremely comforting and lulls her to sleep no matter how hard she tries to stay awake.

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A/N: there you go, another chapter for you people, Matt is with her at last! Still more to come though, maybe a bit more angst but ending with fluff. Depends how I feel. Bye, now I'm off to bed.


	5. Chapter Five

Sorry for the huge delay! Been busy worrying about GCSE's and stuff. Anyway enough moaning from me, enjoy chapter 5! :)

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She wakes up, ready for Matt to be gone. _Again. _But he isn't, his arm is still wrapped around her protectively, comforting…  
'Morning Kaz.' Matt says, she jumps at the sound of his voice.  
'Morning, Matt.' she replies. He pulls her in closer, kissing her forehead lightly. She smiles, a genuine smile graces her features, the first one in months.  
'you have some explaining to do, Karen.'  
'I know, you do too.' she replies, her smile fading again.  
'This is about you, not me.' he says, looking at her, his eyes full of worry.  
'Before I say anything. Answer me this: why are you here? why now?'  
'Alex told me-'  
'She did what?!' Karen yells, moving away from him, standing up and walking away from him. Taking her phone with her. Matt just lies there, mentally punching himself for telling her so soon. _I need to tell her that isn't the only reason…but I need to wait for her to calm down first._  
_Or you could just kiss he- NO! for gods sake Matt get a grip, she will never return the feelings._ Unbeknownst to Matt, she _does. _

'I told you not to tell him!' Karen yells, not caring if Matt hears her or not.  
'he was concerned Karen-'  
'no he wasn't, we haven't spoken in months, it's obvious he doesn't care!'  
'I trusted you Alex, I really did. That was a _mistake_.' The line went dead.  
Matt walked behind Karen, wrapping his arms around her waist, resting his head on her shoulders.  
'Matt, get off of me.'  
'Never.' Karen sighs because secretly, she never wants him to let go of her, _ever _again.

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A/N: Little fluffy ending for you all, not the last chapter don't worry! :D


	6. Chapter Six

hello again, new chapter for y'all :)

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Karen still held the phone tightly to her ear, eyes burning with tears still waiting to be shed. Matt's arms slipped down to Karen's hips, unknowingly reminding her of a previous night where she drowned herself in alcohol and the feeling of metal scraping against skin, opening up to provide evidence she was still here and alive. Though she wasn't sure that's how she wanted to be.

"Karen? answer me Kaz." Matt's voice broke her out of her reverie, refuelling the anger. She spun around, finger hitting the disconnect button on her phone, leaving Alex on the other end.

"What Matt? What are you going to try and say that'll make me feel any better, which it won't." her eyes were red, though the earthy green and deep hazelnut brown mixture of colour was still shining through.

"I'm-I," he sighed, giving up with words. He moved so he regained the distance that had been lost from Karen turning around. He put his hands on her hips, she flinched slightly and he knew, just from one slight hitch in her breathing, _he knew. _One hand came away from her hip, instead coming up to cup her cheek, moving a strand of fiery red hair behind her ear, and back to her cheek once more. His touch was so delicate she barely noticed it, a harsh contrast to the roughness of her own touch to her skin. His eyes searched hers, both of them deep in the other's irises, noticing the slight changes in colours. Slowly, he began to move his head forward, tilting slightly to capture her lips with his. He expected her to push him off of her, force him out of her apartment. But she did the opposite, her phone discarded on the table, to allow both of her arms to come up and wrap around his neck, kissing him back with the same fervour he remembered all those years ago when they had to keep reshooting that scene because _he was kissing back._ His arms moved from her hip and cheek to pull on her waist, crushing her to him. She let out a tiny moan at the contact, something she'd never thought she'd feel again. Her hands went and tangled in the little tuft of hair at the base of his neck. In turn he pulled slightly at her hair, lips disconnecting, breathing erratic.

"I love you." he said between gasps, still holding her to him. She smiled up at him, a genuine smile.

"I love you too." she replied, biting her lip, playing with his hair. He smiled back at her, relieved that the feelings he felt were indeed shared.

"Okay, come this way." Matt said, pulling Karen by her hand. Leading her back to her bedroom. Once inside Matt said:

"Do you trust me?"

"Of course I do, why wouldn't I?" she replied, quirking her eyebrow at him.

"I want you to show me everywhere you have cut yourself." she sighed, looking to her long sleeves and high waisted joggers. She did as she was told, lifting her sleeves, rolling up the bottom of the shirt and then pulling her bottoms down to her knees. Matt gave her a small smile.

"Thank you." he said as he took her left arm into his hand, minding the numerous marks, old and new, he raised her arm up to his mouth, kissing each individual cut delicately as to not hurt her further. Repeating the same to her right arm, then to both hip bones that stuck out a little more than normal, then to each of her thighs both with marks about 1/4 of the way down.

"I love you and I'm never letting you go through this alone ever again." he said as he rose to his feet to be eye level with her again, to notice the streams of tears rolling down her cheeks.

"I love you too, thank you." she replied, smiling through the tears at him, leaning to kiss him again, words not good enough for the way she was feeling. He returned the kiss, pushing her bottoms down further, all the way to the floor, she stepped out of them to push him closer to her bed. Reaching for his top, tugging at it for him to put his arms up and lift it over his head. Once that was gone, Karen couldn't help but notice the muscles Matt seemed to have, and she felt the urge for a little joke.

"Been working out have we? Getting all buff," she giggles "I like it." He quirked his eyebrow at her, putting his hands on his hips.

"Oh really? You like the body I put hard work into getting? I think it's worth it for your compliment." Matt replies, chuckling. He shrugs his joggers down as well, left in his boxers. Then taking his turn to tug at her top, waiting for her to reach and pull it over her head as well. As soon as she does, he's back against her, holding her tightly against him, breathing in her scent. He steps back to take her in, stood there coyly, in her deep blue underwear. He sees the marks on her thighs rise up and underneath her knickers, and peeping out again just above the hem line.

"You are so beautiful." he says, lifting her into his arms and draping her into bed, crawling in the other side to hold her. She turned to face him, stroking his chest.

"How come you've stopped here?" she says, smirking at him.

"Because that can wait until later," he replies, winking at her then kissing her lips delicately "now sleep."

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So I hope you enjoyed this new chapter, it was longer as requested and I hope that you all like the way I'm portraying Matt and Karen :)

Reviews are what keep me writing :) x


	7. Chapter 7

Hey guys, sorry its been so long since I updated this! There's been various things happening in my private life, but that's boring! :)

Anyway, this is a kind of dark chapter...trigger warning okay :) {and possibly a bit suggestive...}  
Remember to read and review and let me know how you'd like this story to carry on.

BadassBeckett xo

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TWO WEEKS LATER

He knew something was off that very morning, though he couldn't tell what. He thought they were happy, finally being able to be together.  
But it was the way her eyes didn't light up anymore when she smiled at him anymore, but she was fine yesterday? He questioned himself. Is it something I've done? Something I said? The way I acted? The way I spoke to her? Held her?

What could be causing this today?

It was the locked door. The light pooling from underneath the crack between the door and the floor late at night. The way she hesitated when he said "but you only had a shower yesterday? Your hair is clean?" and she'd reply "But i've worked out today. It's gross again."  
She knew, deep down. She hadn't.

The shower masked it, masked the tears. The silent sobbing of being held in for too long, of being strong but at breaking point yet again. She willed to be better. To be able to go a day without missing the sight of the red upon the pale skin, the addictiveness of it. She craved the feeling of the metal scraping across her skin, the white capsuals sliding down her throat.

But she couldn't tell him that, he wouldn't understand. He'd leave her, wanting someone less scarred and fucked up. Someone who didn't crave the sight or feeling of this viscious cycle like she did.

"Karen I know something is up." he said over dinner, that she was barely touching.  
"I'm fine" she replied, smiling at him  
"I know you're not, talk to me. Please. Is it something I've done?"  
"No of course not, there's nothing to talk about."  
"Have you cut again?" Her face grew dark, pale even.  
"No." she whispered  
"What did you say? I can't hear you."  
"No. I haven't cut." she says a little more forcefully"Are you sure? You're not lying to me are you?"

"Karen, talk to me."  
"Matt there's nothing to say!" she yells, standing up and leaving the table. Blocking him out of her bathroom.

He just sits there for a moment, not sure of what to say or do. Or even if he should do anything, could do anything. Finally, he gets up from his seat, slowly pads over to the bathroom door, and just sits there.

"Kaz, please open the door."  
"why?" she replies quietly, tears clearly there.  
"because I want to see your face, be able to hold you when you cry."  
"I'm not crying."  
"Kaz, I know you too well. I know when you're crying."

Slowly, the door inches open. Taking it as a sign to enter, he crawls through the gap and shuts the door behind him. She's there, on the floor in the middle of the bathroom, tears staining her cheeks and her hands bawled into fists. Her knuckles red, and bleeding. A razor on the floor next to her, that was hidden underneath the mat.

"Oh Kaz." Matt whispers, inching closer.  
"No. Get away from me." She says, narrowing her eyes.  
"W-why?"  
"Because I don't want you here. Why are you here?"  
"Well, you stormed out from dinner so-"  
"No. Here. In LA."  
"Kaz, don't you remember? Alex text me because she was worried about you, and I got on the next available flight out here."  
"Don't treat me like I'm stupid Matt, I remember that. I mean, why did you get on the plane? You have whoever back in England."  
"I-I wasn't. No, I flew out here because I was worried about you. I wanted to see you, I just never knew you shared my feelings. I was scared of being turned away, because you had a new American boyfriend. I couldn't face that."  
"You really love me?"  
"Yes."  
"Why. I'm not good enough for anyone, let alone you."  
"Hey, hey. You are good enough, you're more than good enough. I love you because of who you are. Because you're my fiery Scottish gangly fox. I really do love you Karen."  
She finally looked at him, "I love you too."

They stood up, just looking at each other. He cupped her cheeks, leaning in delicately. Kissing her deeply, being wary of where he put his hands, keeping them light and delicate. She broke the kiss, catching her breath and saying:

"I don't want you to be delicate anymore, I want this more than you know."  
"Want what?" he questioned, knowing full well what she meant.  
She groaned, dropped her head to his shoulder, blushed and pressed her hand to his crotch.

"oh..." he said, wiggling his eyebrows and pulling her out of the bathroom, and into her bedroom.

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Thanks for reading guys! Sorry about the cliff hanger but you all know what happens ;)  
I hope to update again soon! Just leave reviews :)

BadassBeckett xo


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